I can’t really believe what I just did.
On Sunday, I performed with 4 other ladies in a variety show over at Pole Fitness Studio in Las Vegas — doing bellydance for the first time.
Bellydance is something I’ve always wanted to do. It’s something that burlesque takes its roots from, and I imagined that it would make me a better performer and dancer.
But my intellectual curiosity about bellydance didn’t envision me working so hard to get to this point.
Confession: my whole life I’ve shied away from choreography. I didn’t like the structure of ballet. I tried jazz and quit before my recital, but begged my mom to buy me the costume still (she did, and I still remember that black-and-pink-with-gold-trim thing).
You see, what I love about burlesque is that I get to do a lot of costume design, and wearing of the costumes, and being in character, and entertaining people… hopefully giving people an experience! That’s what I do best. That’s what I know I can do best. That’s what I’m confident in. Always have been, since I was a wee little me.
What I intended when I started taking bellydance classes was to get some core foundations, improve my movement practice and range of movement, get a mini workout, and have fun. When the instructor said there would be a recital I thought, cool, I’m used to the stage by now and it will give me something to work toward.
I underestimated what I was getting myself into.
I tend to think that perfection is an impossible goal — that we should always be improving, but that we should strive for polish instead of perfection.
However, my instructor comes from a Tai Chi and Martial Arts background and her philosophy is a little different, lol. She gave me some tough love and really pushed me to do better. It was hard. I almost quit. Again. Just like 8 year old me.
And then I said, nope, Pearl, you’re gonna get over this. You’re not gonna cop out. You can do this. You can improve your technique. You can learn 3 minutes of complex choreography. And then smile and enjoy performing it. And then, be proud of yourself because you actually did your best, and didn’t let your demons get in the way of you trying.
3 pages of written notes later, and many more hours of solo practice including in a hotel room in South Dakota…
I can say that I actually am proud.
Is it perfect?
Heck no.
It’s normal for me to analyze and pick apart every aspect of a performance, especially looking at videos or even hearing my voice recorded. I think that’s natural for us to do and healthy… as long as you can also appreciate the good parts. Self-criticism is what drives us to be even better next time. So with that being said, yep, I can still do better. But I did my best in that moment, and I showed up, and I sparkled my way through it, and I do think I’m a better dancer already. Not only in technique, but in discipline, and uncovering just a bit more grit that I didn’t know I had.
Thank you to my instructor GoGo for her patience and skill. Thanks to my bellydance sisters Aja, Heather, and Lindsey for the camaraderie backstage and for showing up fully as well.
And thank you all on here, my dearest Patreons. You keep believing in me even when I doubt myself, and your support allows me to keep growing, keep creating, and keep sharing my journey with you, vulnerably and authentically.